Where Have I Been?
I see that my last post was in mid 2014, very shortly before my daughter was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer. My past three years have been spent as a caregiver, driver, companion, whatever was needed as she underwent the arduous process of trying to get well once again. The good news is, she has now been cancer-free (that is to say, cancer that is detectable by all the tools modern medicine can bring to bear) for four months.
I say that with some trepidation and a lot of skepticism because of the pernicious nature of cancer. All the tools - MRI, CT, PET scans, blood tests, etc., can only detect cancer at the macro level, an eye opening bombshell for us (naive as we were) when after her first "cancer-free" party she relapsed for the first time. However, one thing we have learned is to live one day at a time, no matter how difficult that is, no matter how the mind wants to scurry down the what if path, and no matter how hard it is to get back to "normal life" without the structure of the treatment regimen.
When she was under treatment, we always knew what would happen next, how long it would take and what our next steps must be. Now, does she dare try to resume her interrupted life? Do I dare? I believe actually that she is doing better now at moving on than I am. She has a new job, has moved to a new city and I'm sure will soon be making all kinds of new friends - one of the many things she excels at.
I guess resuming this blog is one of my steps to getting back to my life as a "carefree" retiree. Don't get me wrong - by most standards, I am a carefree retiree: I have a nice place to live, enough to eat, enough money for the occasional fabulous vacation, an understanding mate of longstanding, two wonderful rescue dogs who walk with me every day through a beautiful part of the country. It's just that niggling doubt. But...one foot after another.
I say that with some trepidation and a lot of skepticism because of the pernicious nature of cancer. All the tools - MRI, CT, PET scans, blood tests, etc., can only detect cancer at the macro level, an eye opening bombshell for us (naive as we were) when after her first "cancer-free" party she relapsed for the first time. However, one thing we have learned is to live one day at a time, no matter how difficult that is, no matter how the mind wants to scurry down the what if path, and no matter how hard it is to get back to "normal life" without the structure of the treatment regimen.
When she was under treatment, we always knew what would happen next, how long it would take and what our next steps must be. Now, does she dare try to resume her interrupted life? Do I dare? I believe actually that she is doing better now at moving on than I am. She has a new job, has moved to a new city and I'm sure will soon be making all kinds of new friends - one of the many things she excels at.
I guess resuming this blog is one of my steps to getting back to my life as a "carefree" retiree. Don't get me wrong - by most standards, I am a carefree retiree: I have a nice place to live, enough to eat, enough money for the occasional fabulous vacation, an understanding mate of longstanding, two wonderful rescue dogs who walk with me every day through a beautiful part of the country. It's just that niggling doubt. But...one foot after another.
Comments
Post a Comment